On a very mundane level I reached a goal today, I finally finished going through all my messages, looking at all the pictures that had been building up in my message folder over the months. I had nearly 3000 of them so was a bit of a slog...
Why did they build up? Well that's a completely different ramble entierly... (Brace yerselves) *deep breath*

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For as long as I can remember I have had problems sleeping. Insomnia. (I of course did not realize this until fairly recently.) And after a lot of thought and self-reflection and remembering things long since forgotten I realized I've suffered from nightmares for most of my life as well. I even remember my mother remarking how I used to have nightmares when little and blaming it on my sister letting me watch movies I wasn't allowed to... (love you sis!) - But in reality, that was wrong.

In school it was a problem as I was never rested, always tired, and I distinctly remember one day where I had slept so little I was napping in the breaktime between classes, and in class too as my very good friend kept an eye on the teacher for me and elbowed me in the ribs to warn me to pretend to be awake.

From when I was about 10-12 or so I started having a clock next to my bed so I was able to tell roughly when I finally fell asleep.
No matter how tired, no matter how little I had slept, I would almost never fall asleep till after midnight, and generally not till about 2am. If I fell asleep 'early' I'd find myself waking up in the night, several times, then have troubles falling asleep again.
(I'd of course wake up several times in the night regardless of when I fell asleep, but the later I fell asleep the less it seemed to happen or at least I didn't stay awake for an hour or two as a result.)

I always believed this was normal, as it was for me. Loads of people complained about not being 'a morning person' so I never thought about it, I just wasn't a morning person either.
But it goes deeper than that, and I realize it now.

How did I realize that it's abnormal? Simple. I finally plucked up the courage to discuss it with my doctor. My sleeping problems had spiralled so far out of control I could barely move in the day, it felt like my whole body was heavy, I'd bump into things and was generally clumsy, I also wasn't getting anything done in the day, which then aggravated my sleeping problems, resulting in a vicious circle pattern.

He gave me some pills to help me sleep, and I cannot describe the complete and utter change. The first night I slept 6 hours, but I felt rested and absolutely bursting with energy, it was like I was on some monster high, my body felt light rather than feeling like a burden and I felt like I could do anything. And for the first time in my life my 'panda-eyes' were dissipating.
I took the pills for a few days, then I was on a break. This was a pattern I was supposed to repeat till I ran out and then I had to talk to the doctor again and discuss how it had been.
The first day off them it was back to square one.

I will not lie, I cried.

The whole weight of my insomnia (and all the baggage with it) came crashing down after one night and I felt so much despair I cannot describe it. And the fear... The fear of being doomed to a life of *this*? I felt broken.
My only consolation was the fact that I was back on the pills the next night, and who knows, maybe it would slowly get better? It was the only thought that kept me sane that day.

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Skipping over boring bits I cut down on them over time as instructed and kept to a routine. It was going ok but broke at one point so I needed the pills to get back on track. My sleeping pattern is very delicate atm and the original break was thanks to my next-door neighbours thinking it was an *excellent* idea to have a party going till about 4am one night.  -_-
But I'm back on track now, and with the intention of sticking to my pattern. I have the pills to pick me up when it breaks but I'm feeling ok atm.

When I was too tired to get anything done it affected my art as well, and logging on here only reminded me of that and the ever-growing pile of deviations I hadn't looked at, all the lovely and inspiring works I wanted to delve into, but when I couldn't get anything done myself it soured the experience. So I left them, always planning to sort through, but never quite getting there.

So, I've basically decided to (metaphorically) kick myself up the arse and pick myself up and carry on. So I have insomnia, I'll bloody fix that! I know what's wrong so the next step is to brute-force a fix.

As a result, being more awake and for longer, with no napping at inappropriate hours, I'm actually getting a lot more drawing done. That really is a positivity booster for me. I sometimes draw till my arm is a bit sore, but I'm being careful not to 'break' it, even if it does twinge from time to time I find I have a lot more tolerance in it these days.
I've resigned myself to the fact that it may never fully heal and it may bother me for the rest of my life, but it's still usable and right now, that's good enough for me.

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Why am I writing this? Well, just because I can, I want this out there, and also because I want anyone that might stumble across this by accident to know one thing: Talk to your bloody doctor. Even if he/she is a blockhead that won't listen you *make* them listen. You keep at it till you get help.
My doctor is (in my opinion) less than stellar at listening and was originally going to shoo me out with a paper recommending aroma therapy and camomile tea. He literally said to me: "but you're so young, what sort of problems could you possibly have?"... But I managed to convince him that I needed help and not some herbal teas. (I have the herbal tea too though)

There is no shame in admitting you need help, and there is no shame in seeking it out.



Right, ramble mode /off